I'm done being called stupid

They tell me I'm fucking up.

They tell me that you're bad for me,

and boy, trust me.

I know you are. I know it for a fact, but I can't

help but question "what if's" if I let you go.

I tried SO HARD to be able to walk away,

but you didn't let me. You tugged and pulled, and you won.

We fought for 3 days straight - both nights up until the AM.

The same issues, the same disapproval, but we found compromise

beneath all the rubble of what was left of our feelings.

It was good letting you know how much you hurt me because

I could tell you felt bad.

And you're making up for it.

And I can see it.

What doesn't break us only makes us stronger.

And when it comes to you and I, I find this to be so true.

I came through for you and didn't listen to people criticizing me,

telling me I'm fucking up.

I just hope you can do the same for me.

Or try not to hurt me, at the least bit.

Our conversations got more serious as we pushed past all the anger

we had toward one another of the accusations.

You never admitted your faults, but you never denied them.

And I'm pleased that you didn't deny them.

However, what hurt most was you putting the blame on me.

I never did anything.

You hurt me, and it was somehow.. my fault?

It didn't make sense.

I can tell you're sorry and you want to make it up,

but how?

You hurt me and lost my trust.

Even though my heart is still by your side, it's hanging by a thread.

So please don't ruin your last toll.

I would hate to lose you.

I've got some issues that nobody can see, and all of these emotions are pouring out of me.

Ignorance is bliss.

I wish I never found out because either way, I still forgave you.

I didn't need an explanation from you.

I just needed you to know that you still give a fuck about me.

And you do.

So that's that.

I'm.
So.
Confused.

I think if really came down to it,

and we were together, I would give you a clean slate. I don't want to lose it, but knowing you, you wouldn't be able to stand being without "it". So, if it really came down to it, I would let you "tap" anyone you want, but the rules are, you cannot let me know/find out/fuck anyone that I would end up knowing about.
That's how much I am willing to do for you.

Back

to the safety of my blogspot. On tumblr, I always felt a little vulnerable to my emotions and those who would read them. But on blogspot, I don't have to worry about that.

Well anyway,
I think I'm falling a lot harder than I originally intended to.

After this long,

I still feel obligated to protect my heart.
Yes, I do have feelings for you.
And yes, they're not minor feelings.
If anything, they're major. I haven't felt this way in a while for someone; It feels kind of refreshing. I guess this would be the wrong timing for these feelings, but I decided to take a risk and I'm willing to follow through with it. You're worth it.
I guess knowing who you are makes me kind of afraid.
Afraid that you will deceive me.
And I cannot afford to get hurt - not right now at least.
So here I go again, shooting down a one-way road with no destination.
I guess it's time I leave my same zone. Who knows?
I might get something good out of this.

ANYWAY, back to him.
Today, he finally spoke of his life to me.
I guess it's good that he's not the type of guy who nags and complains, but he
never really bothers to tell me something in-depth about him.
His baby sister was born today.
I love how family-oriented he is. I know he's lying when he said he doesn't party and he's a good boy, but when I see how he treats his family, it makes me have some faith in him.
But you never know.

I guess I will wrap this up with I really like him and I hope this goes somewhere.

So yesterday,

made me realize how much of a sweetheart you are. I'm not sure if you do that to every girl, but I know you hate it when I sit far away from you. It was sweet how you reached over to hold my hand, even though I would try to let go. Honestly, I really didn't want to. I just wanted to see if you were willing to tug back. When your parents left, you laid on my lap. Can I say total bliss? Haha. Despite me saying otherwise, I enjoyed it - probably as much as you did. And in that time frame of about an hour when your little brother left, you grabbed my arm and wrapped it around you. Believe it or not, yes I wanted to hold you there, but I still want to know your intentions toward me, so I couldn't let you know that I'm in this deep. Coincidentally, your TV lost it's signal and we were on your couch in complete darkness. You asked me if I wanted to kiss you. And boy, believe me, I did. Stupid me decided to go and kid with the subject, which made you think I didn't want to. I asked you the same, and you told me, "I do want to kiss you right now," my heart fluttered. We went on joking about the subject, but we never did anything. Your parents came home right when we were sitting in the dark. It was awkward. You played it off cool and sat up, but damn. My reputation is new ruined. It's cool. You're worth it.

Then again, you're also worth the heartbreak.

I Know

I know I'm being played - not for a fact, but vaguely.
People don't change, and seeing as you are who you are,
I should probably stay away from you.
That being said, I tried.
It's not going to work; I know I'm heading straight for destruction by getting into this.
But whatever. You're worth the pain.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Is this still me?

I would say this is the equivalent of commit suicide.

Back

It has been so long since I have been on Blogspot. I find this place as somewhat of an online sanctuary. Do not get me wrong, I love Tumblr too, but on Blogspot, I find more privacy due to the fact that I have very few friends who would choose Blogspot over Tumblr. For that, I am extremely thankful to Blogspot. Lately, I have been so caught up on guys, my life seemed to come to a sudden halt. I do not know what I want. I have options, but it depends on the risk I am willing to take. The higher I aim, the further I will fall, the bigger the chance of getting hurt. I really hope somewhere along the way I will decide for myself. There's a guy. He's nice and very caring toward me, but I am not sure if that is what I want. Then again, there is another. And another. And another. And another.

First Day Back

This is way too much stress right after holiday season. I can't handle my life right now. It's so wacko. There's that one stage in your life where you being to think.. A LOT. My sister told me it ends somewhere in your twenties. I have a few more years until I get outta that weird stage.. So anyway, I can't seem to manage skating/school/life/music/work and all those other things important in my life. Let's think on mathematical terms.. A day is 24 hours, multiplied by 60 is 1,440 minutes a day-I think. I sleep about 8 hours of that, so 8 multiplied by 60 is 480? Subtract 1,440 from 480 is 960 minutes for me to spare a day. Six hours are occupied by school, but weekends don't count-work. So.. 6 multiplied by 60 is 360 minutes, meaning 600 free minutes besides school. I have about 3000 FREE MINUTES a week-weekends don't count. I'm always busy with work/skate practice. I want to quit, but I'm not sure if I can give up what I've always known. My wall is plastered in pictures and medals and plaques, and if I give that up (which is a part of me), who will I be? Will I still be me? I cannot give up my cello and drums-it's what I absolutely love to do. I've transitioned between so many instruments in my childhood, it's taken me forever to settle on my cello and the drums-there's no way I'm giving that up! I have a skating competition in less than 2 weeks. I can't do it. I simply can't. I haven't gone to practice during winter break. Life has exhausted me. I wake up feeling sore and drowsy as heck-just from the stress of family problems and thinking. I wish I could just let loose and be happy-live the rest of my teenage year. I just want to go SCREW IT right now, and run away to Alaska or something. I wish life were like that. Mess up, pick up and take it to another area and settle. I should get into the witness protection program or something, haha. I'm dreaming again. Screw reality. I need to learn Eye of the Tiger with Brandon Cordova (who is my partner in crime. aka. quad player #1). I don't think I can learn it by the time of the parade next month-even worse, football is taking up all my time, I can't visit the music room if I'm in the middle of a game! I need to choose. First day back and yet life's stress has taken it's toll. I liked disappearing during the break. Where's my time to party with my friends and take car rides at night, and get drunk and all that shit (not that I want to, just stating my point) like all those other teenagers?! Where's my sense of letting loose?! Must get that fucking A.. that's what I always have to do. For now, it seems like that's all to life.

At Jenny's

What is there to do on the night of New Years at 9:42 PM?

let's think about that one...

2010, A New Year-Start Anew

It's been a very long while since I've been on this thing since Tumblr has emerged. I've read my older posts and I just realized how ignorant I was in the past. I became so sad for a guy? THAT'S INSANE. I have a better outlook on life now, a more mature, less weepy. Yeah, I'm going to be very happy and not let things get in the way of my school life-maintain GRADES, orchestra, band, drumline and skating too, but that's not part of school. So anyway, I've been spending probably a month watching this person's Youtube videos. You may or may not know him, but he is the infamous AJ Rafael! Okay, I just contradicted myself. Anyway, I was on his blogspot earlier, and it reminded me of how I neglected my blogspot! SORRY BABY! -pats the screen- Alrighty, I'm going to get my video camera back from my uncle and then do a Hey There Tiffany for her birthday! Maybe Happy by Leona Lewis for Veronica, she needs to lighten up a little. As for boys, I am a little bit over the whole boy dramarama, although there are some really hard choices for me-BUT ANYWAY! I'm over all that. I have a lot of things to focus on. I also have to achieve my life long goal of being in DNA Forensics some where down the road of life. School is my main priority right now, as well as music along with my skating-which there is Gold Skate in Fresno which takes place in February, and a very important competition to me where I do all events of A, B, and C. Also known as: Progressive Tango and two other dances that I really cannot think of right now. So anyway, It's NEW YEARS! I watched Alvin and The Chipmunks Squeakquel last night, it was INCREDIBLE! On the way home, my sister and I counted down to the radio in the car and screamed out the window to passing cars. HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!