Unloved (Part 5)

James sat restlessly while watching American Idol, and chuckled to himself as he sat hypnotized by the contestant that was oddly horrific at singing. The door swing open, James seemed to jump at the sound that brought him out of the current state of mind. "James! I'm home, sorry I was so late how-" Elizabeth paused as he caught a glimpse of James on the couch. She was awestruck; never had she payed attention to his left undamaged side. He was beautiful. His hazel eyes were like fire, full of energy. His jaw was strong, a true man. His nose was straight and tall, perfectly aligned. His features seemed to go together as pieces from a puzzle. She came to a conclusion, James was a man who let his mood get the best of him. She thought back to the time when they were both in college, good friends. What had happened to him? What happened to the man who had a cup overflowing with confidence? She sighed out loud and caught herself staring expressionless at James. He raised and eyebrow at her and came to grab her bags.

"Someone's daydreaming today," he winked. Elizabeth forgot her troubles for that split second and gathered herself together.
"Sorry I'm later, I-" she paused to decide whether or not she should tell him, the answer was no, "I met traffic, you know how Main Street is." she smiled. He didn't reply, he nodded and continued to take the bags into the kitchen. "I'm warning you James, I'm a mean cook, stay outta my workshop-even if it's your house and all." James chuckled a soft, warm chuckle and continued watching television.

In the kitchen, Elizabeth struggled to find all the tools needed for her dinner, and silently laughed when she found them. When she was sure everything was absolutely perfect, she brought everything outside to the couch. The suede cream colored couch creaked as Elizabeth sank into the soft cushioning. "Here you go Mr.Mysterious, medium rare cooked to perfect perfection." she smiled, almost a snarl from feeling proud at herself for creating dinner. James seemed to realize her excitement and returned a smile, less mocking but still letting her know he was amused. They ate in silence for a while until Elizabeth reached for the wine, suddenly, James laughed in an uproar as she looked to find the source of his laughter. She too, laughed, but unfortunately, snorted and had the wine come back out her nose.

"Might I say Liz, you're the first woman that I've seen to snort out wine-pretty amusing actually." James frozed, engaged in thought, then frowned and continued his chuckling. The two laughed until nighttime came around and James excused himself to his bedroom. Seeing there was nothing else to do, Elizabeth too, returned to her room. She lay motionless, staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling. Suddenly, the familiar lullaby came on, except with different lyrics,

"Can't you see, you're the only for me. Now you're gone the sky is gone too, all with you.." the lyrics went on as well as the melody as Elizabeth lay still staring out her window, hoping she would find the man in the lit room. The music went on, and so did her hopes.

To be continued....

Unloved (Part 4)

"James, I'm gonna head out and make you dinner tonight, so don't eat until I get home, alright?" Elizabeth grabbed the keys and dashed out the door, stuffing the plate of food down her throat, "By the way, this is delicious! Thank you so much James!" As soon as Elizabeth left the door, James sank down in the sofa chair in front of the television. He sat still-a statue almost, staring blankly at the flat screen 42" television, deep in thought. He hadn't let go of that Summer day yet, and Melody nonetheless. Suddenly, he ran from the living room to the restroom and stopped when he found the mirror. He looked closely, as if he didn't recognize his reflection, and stroked the right side of his face. Since the accident, the right side of his face has numerous scars, not exactly horrifying, but James had curcled in on himself and didn't allow himself back on his legs. He stared for a minute, laughing, as if he found it humorous, but he sighed and stroked his cheek.

"A man's scar is a man's medal," he mumbled quietly.

Elizabeth was out on the town at Albertsons trying to find ingredients for James's dinner. She stopped at the steak refridgerator and stood deep in thought. In the corner of the store on top of the refridgerator was a mirror, one that was bent into a bulbous shape. In the corner of her eye, she could see a man, but when she was absolutely sure her mind was clear, she took another glance-nothing. "My paranoia is getting worse day by day.." she continued to shop. She grabbed a blood soaked styrofoam tray that had two steaks, a few spices, a bottle of Berry's wine, and checked out. By the time she finished, the sky had become dark. The sky was dark, clouds blocked out the moon, and cold winds blew violently. She got near to the end of the parking lot, under the parking lot light was the red BMW convertible, James's car. As she began to the load the trunk, a man grabbed her from behind the waist, "Miss, you better tell that weeping boyfriend of yours that he better pay up before you and him both become like that bitch last Summer!". Elizabeth was then freed, but when she turned with horrified eyes, the man was gone. The drive home was tedious; Elizabeth's mind was running with thoughts of what the man had meant, but it did not come clear-the pieces did not fit.

To be continued.....

Blinded.

The night an everlasting black
No thoughts, just darkness
The moon was nowhere to be seen
The stars shone violently,
But it was only a faint glow

Then a meteor shot across
The sky lit with love and hope
The stars seemed to set fire
Suddenly, the night was bearable
The night was lit

But the meteor fell over the horizon
Soon, the stars were gone
Just a faint murmur of existence
Nothing had changed
But she was blinded

She could not see
For the light had blinded her
Her sky was gone
Never the same again
Just the memory of existence

Unloved (Part 3)

James sat motionless on the corner of his bed. His mind was running with thoughts of Melody. Melody was beautiful, her smile took everyone's breath away and to James, she was the sun to his sky. Without her, he was a sad useless man. The Summer Melody was murdered was the same day James was left with a scarred face-and heart.

After work, James came home with flowers and chocolate to make up with Melody after the couple fought. As he walked into the her home, he found the door open-unlocked. He called out, "Honey! Melody! Look what I brought you!" but there was no reply. Just the silence and the sound of his heart beating loudly. He slowly walked up the stairs as they groaned in reply and went into Melody's bedroom. There, he found her laying motionless and stabbed in the heart. Before he could even react, a man dressed in black appeared in the doorway and that's when James became unconscious. That Summer, he was a prime suspect in the case of Melody's murder. He went through hard times and quit his job as head of the Commerce Bank and rot away at home. His life was a living hell. Being questioned by the FBI multiple times a day. Until the Winter of 2008, he was proved innocent in Melody's case, but the murderer was never found.

In Elizabeth's room, she was sound asleep until she woke up at the sound of a guitar strumming past the decorated walls of her room. The sun wasn't up yet, but she opened up the small window and listened closer. The sound came from the next window, but she couldn't quite make out the charming player from the light. The mysterious man sang quietly, as if to himself-a lullaby, "I'll never forget that smile that lit my sky, the laugh that filled up the room.." she lay awake until the sun rose, listening to melody that filled her small room and eventually, she fell asleep.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" Elizabeth woke to the sounding alarm next to her bed-startled.

"Some damn alarm," she mumbled. She slipped on a red robe and tied it around her waist. To her surprise, she awoke to James behind the stove, staring with full concentration at the pan with eyes that seemed to drill a hole through it, intensity. "Ahem, Mr.Mysterious, the poor pan is going to die of a heart attack if you stare at it any longer." she joked. He jumped, startled by her sudden appearance and cleared his throat.

"Oh, right, sorry. I thought I should've cooked you some breakfast, you look exhausted. Any sleep last night?" James stared at Elizabeth with concern and authority, head titled and angled toward the pan, one eye paying attention to Elizabeth. Absent minded, she replied,

"Mkay, thanks. I do feel hungry, but if you need to go it's fine with me." she took another glance at James and smiled, then continued to examine the room with intense curiosity. The small apartment had a charm to it. She couldn't explain it, but the balcony door wall was made out of stone bricks and the other side of the room was painted black, with a quote.

"No home is completed without love. My life is incomplete without you." Then on the other corner of the room, it was a bright yellow, the kind of yellow that gave you hope. Yellow, with pictures of James with a band called The Forgotten.

"Some creativity is going on here," she thought.

"Liz, I have a long day ahead of me, and if you need to go out for anything, feel free to take the car if you don't have one. I'm just going to lay low in my house, find some bandage for this-marking." he smiled a bright smile, one with excitement. James handed her a plate with scrambled eggs, a pancake, and some bacon.

"Hope she isn't startled by it," thought James. His mind was busy today, many thoughts and "what ifs" as well as memories that he didn't want to remember. He didn't want to head out and face the world.

Unloved (Part 2)

Jame's suddenly broke out in laughter, and then cleared his throat and tried to contain himself. "I'm sorry Liz, but I'm pretty surprised you didn't run away yet, let alone see me another time." he smiled a heart warming smile.
"Ah, yes, well that's where you're wrong James, I'm moving in." and she returned a smile.
"Moving in huh yee-" but once again, Elizabeth stopped him.
"Well, seeing your inconvenience of getting out and that I currently need a home, I was hoping-" she paused, "well, I was hoping that since we both sort of kind of need each other, we could rely on each other." it seemed almost as if she was asking for approval. James searched through his mind, trying to find the correct answer, and chuckled,
"Well, sure, but I'm not exactly the best person to be around, a beast if you must." he ran his fingers through his hair as small raindrops flew off the top of his auburn hair that was in knots. He took a good look at Elizabeth. She wasn't at all like he had remembered. She stood tall in her black boots and broad shoulders, a woman of confidence. Her hair was a chocolate-brown in wavy locks, and that's when he stared into her eyes. They were a hazel shade on the edges and a shattered green in the middle-that's when he lost his train of thought. Her lips were full, a pink glossy edge to it. His jaw seemed to drop open, but then he cleared his throat again and glanced at her with apologetic eyes, she seemed to understand. James laughed to break the silence and pulled her bags inside.
"So, where's my bedroom Mr.Mysterious?" she took a glance at all the pictures on his table that were covered in dust and spider webs. "Neglected," she thought. A few pictures seemed to stand out from the rest to Elizabeth. As she got closer to take a look, James dashed over and yanked the picture frames away from the top of the fireplace and set them in a drawer. "What was that for?" she questioned.
"It's nothing important." he answered coldly. James headed inside and pretended to ignore Elizabeth. Elizabeth settled in a small room at the end of the hall that had one small window high up near the ceiling and a small bookshelf at one end of the room. That night, she couldn't sleep. She knew she could not ignored James's reaction when she had taken notice to the picture, but also the context of the picture. James was happy, unscarred, with a strangely breath-takingly beautiful woman. For once, James seemed-happy.

To be continued....

Success.

How can the fortunate find success?
Do you fish for it in the sea?
Can you find it in others?

In today's world
The lion devours the lamb
As the lamb struggles to get on its feet

The weaker die and drown
While the shark swims around

Success is not a secret
It's for those who seek it and believe it

We live it and breathe it
But when do we receive it?

Success is a recipe for perseverance
For those who want to reach it
For those who dare to need it

Where does civilization end
And where does survival of the fittest begin?

Because in today's world
I would lose
And they would win

Unloved

He looks for love in the dark alleyways of Boston. He is a man who cannot find love, for who would love a foul, ugly beast? He walks through the crowded streets- alert. Strangers pass by gawking as if he were a creature, some trembling, others pointing and picking up their speed. He turns around and heads home in the same repetitive mood he was in yesterday. "The same damn routine! The same repetitive lifestyle! Where is the excitement! Where is my reason to live?!" He thought. Just as he gets inside, the rain starts picking up as he dashes in. He slowly stumbles over to his old antique telephone that sits on his table lamp and begins listening to the voice messages.
"James! You better repay your debt or so help me god, you will be running around headless!" cries a man. The voice didn't seem human, almost a growl. James groans as he drags his body away from the faint lamp and sits on the corner of his bed. He slides off his bed and sits motionless on the ground, hands between his knees and eyes full of tears, running his hand through his hair- he sits and waits.

Morning breaks through the windows as James gets up to face his reflection in the mirror. He flinches as he takes a look, "Another mournful day I must live," he thought. Suddenly, a knock from outside his small apartment fills the room. With another groan, he pulls his feet to take him to the door. Hiding his face behind the door, he slowly opens it. "Hey, it's Elizabeth from college, remember me?" a high pitched voice echoed in the halls of the apartment and James begins to grimace.
"Yes, well hi there Liz, it's great seeing you. How's it going?" James managed to groan out.
"Well it'd be easier if you got out from behind that door you know." Elizabeth smiled. James hesitated, and began moving slowly as if with caution and stepped out into the sun. He began to flinch away, but Elizabeth grabbed him by the hand. She seemed a little surprised, but gathered herself together. "My, I heard about- the accident, and you have nothing to worry about. I'm here for you, anytime and anywhere. That scar is something I'll have to get used to sooner or later, you know."
"G-g-get used to? What-" but Elizabeth stopped him.
"You know, you don't think this is the last time we're gonna talk right? You're one lonely man by yourself James. I'm here to save the damsel in distress, you know, come to your rescue. It'll all make sense, I promise." Elizabeth

To Be Continued....

I hate you.

I'm feeling a cloud of hatred hang over me again. I've been in a particularly gloomy mood nowadays. I have a feeling I wanna jump this one particular boy, he makes me wanna hit him. I think now I know how girls can be so-serious about a boy. I never really knew. Cause honestly, I'm never serious about anyone. His face makes me go ... EW. Like, without any exaggeration whatsoever. Stupid hugeass pig face manwhore. Yes, I went there and it feels GREAT. I honestly don't know if my best friend is my best friend. She seems like she doesn't even care about me as much as my other ... friend. I'm PSYCHED. Monique and I are gonna get hand sanitizers -silently laughs at myself-. I feel so retarded, it's pretty funny. I'm feeling ok today. My thoughts seem to be clouded. I really hate him, but I can't even stay away from him if I tried. I don't like him him though, he's a friend, but I'm not sure if I can even trust him anymore. I hate him. I really hate him for pulling in victims. Although I had no intentions of returning affection, I wished he would've actually been DETERMINED and held on a little longer. You know, a little hope for those boys. :D However, I've lost my hope in boys. For once in forever, I don't like anyone. HORRAY. I'm losing grasp of those around me. For once, I don't care anymore cause I think I'm gonna focus on my life. :D I'm happy.

The Murder

His grasps his victims
One by one
Process by process

They all fall
His sweet words
His affection for the desperate

Desperation for love
They fall
One by one

Victim by victim
They all break
Victims of the broken

His sins left in tradgedy
He leaves them in his past
Forgotten and trashed

As if they didn't matter
He didn't strike the ugly
He striked the beautiful

Leaving them clinging for their breath
Leaving them with nothing but hearts
Holes, small holes in their hearts

Self destruction
Fallen too deep
Can't seem to climb out

And one by one
He sends them to their graves
Scarred, unloved

No time to regret
No time to love
Those mourning their death

The death of their hearts
The death of their love
Never to be

For Monique.

Poems DEDICATED to one of my Best Friends.

A postitive light
that's all I ask

A positive word
that's all I ask

A light in the dark
can you save me?

Will you save my soul?
I can't save my soul

For my soul is gone,
gone with my hopes

My hopes-long gone
long gone with my dreams

Shadows have taken over,
pulling in clouds of rain

So I say rain,
Rain comes and goes

You can come
You can go

But I am long gone
gone-never to be seen


Poem #2.

They say shoot for the stars
And land on the moon

Say love someone
And get broken

Understand why fall,
Fall oh so tragically in love
We fall, fall in love

Held up so high
Held up on a thread
So high on such a breakable thread

Climb it
You're bound to fall

Resist it
You're bound to love

We fall for traps
The traps set for lovers

Those who can afford to love
Will love all when they can

Those like you and me
We fall and get broken
Broken oh so tragically

The traps set for lovers
The traps they set for people like you and me

And in the end
We all fall

In the end
We all break

i lose.

I'm not one to hold a grudge, he got to me. FUCK MY LIFE. I'm an idiot for ever believing anything.

Sincerely,
Diane Ho

drama, drama, drama, fucking go away.

There's 3 things I learned today:
#1 REAL friends will be by your side NO MATTER WHAT.
#2 sisters over misters saying is just BULLSHIT.
#3 trust NO ONE until they have proved to you their trust.

So all in one night, I believe I lost my best friend, a close friend, and all the trust I have for humankind. I couldn't but break into tears at the thought of me being the cause of this. I didn't understand the power of the words a person could unleash. I believe you could say I'm a child. I'm learning so much about trust and that love is not definite. The love I have for my best friend is a lot. She means the world to me, but suddenly today, she tells me that I should stop my bitching. Yes, it hurts. This PERSON came along and ruined my life. I don't know what/how life would be like without them, but I wish they would disappear out of it. I thought that trust was definite, and that promises meant PROMISE, an unbroken saying. One that only the devil himself may break, but I am a naive child. I thought a lot of things, or rather, I think A LOT of things. I find that friendship is merely a bond to keep you from the loneliness you may come across in a lifetime. Blogging makes me feel much better, to let out what I cannot say, but I know that my problems won't go away just because I feel better about myself. Yes, some part of this is my fault, but I had no idea of what the consequences would be. Frankly, I didn't even say much. That MANHOE made a mountain out of a molehill, and I hate him for it. I hope he burns. I trusted him, and obviously, as you know by now, my last thought is I hope he DIES. Then after this, I will erase him out of my life. I'm cold, yes, so I've been told, but I don't mind. If he feels he can be the way he is now, I have a right to being a bitch to him. I hate him, that's that. I don't wanna lose my best friend though, and I wish I didn't have to, but things change.

Sincerely,
Diane Ho

It's gone.

I felt like adding another blog, just to feel. Yes, I feel that I'm going overly cliche, but I need a moment today. I miss what I had, I took it for granted, but now it's gone. Must I add details? I don't think so. I'm gonna sound selfish, but I hate to see people happy when I'm not. Honestly, I'd trade my happiness for anyone else's. I'm a motherfucking selfish hoe. I don't mind admiting so. I'm fine the way I am. Somehow, I have the worst feeling that I'm going to die alone. Actually, a feeling that might come true. I don't know, it's a gut feeling. Most of the time, my gut is correct. I don't wanna die either, but death is inevitable. I'm afraid to die. I wish to have experience all before I go, but choices are limited. I want a full life, one that was worthing living. Not one that way passing by the through the day. I had an overall great day with my DV2EMS girls, but as night falls, so does the sorrow. I'm experiencing this feeling that makes me wanna write poems. How peculiar...

Sincerely,
Diane Ho

Another night, another chapter, a new beginning, a new love.

We have just scratched the surface.

Scratch the Surface

Today I've learned the rules of love
to learn and hope
for lust and love

I cried a bit
died a bit
and grew inside

but lord knows how I feel inside
how do we feel what
we are bound to feel?

better yet,
how must we not feel
what we cannot feel

like a seamen bound to the sea
I am bound to you
unconditionally, authentically

I thought I fell
out of this childish thing called love
but yet I am a child

therefore, I'm in love
why must the world
bind me with glee

for this love i feel
is sorrow, hurt
and impossbilites

love me,
i say love me,
unconditionally, authentically

I wish this felling went away
the peace before the storm
the love before the blow


Yeah, so today I felt a thing called sorrow. Frankly, it sucked, and sorrow can suck it. I wanna scream, but who would hear? The world holds no place for those who cannot feel what they want to feel. So the question is, what is stopping me? SO much, you have no idea.

Suck it.

Today is April 22nd, in case someone who read this is too retarded to notice the date. A casual day I would say, no drama, no anger. Well, not too much anger for the most part. I hate Mr.May; no, not hate, dislike would be a better term. He's a- well, I can't even find the right adjective to suit him, it'd simply be too positive. Therefore, I'll leave it on a note of he's an ass. There. I need some air nowadays, simply too much pressure. It's the end of the quarter, it was the end of the quarter. Now it's a brand new fresh start. Yeah, makes me feel like I'm gonna die soon. I have a good 50 years. I wanna bitch slap someone today. I'm angry now. These mood swings keep coming back. I have feelings of animosity at b___. He comes and leaves, he can't seem to settle his mind. It's been a year that I've liked him starting next week. Incredible how time flies, isn't it? Speaking of change, I need change. I need the change that he had when he decided he could leave shit behind. Lord give me the strength to get over with it. I'm lying to myself again, I haven't been down this road in a few years. 2008 brings back bittersweet memories, like spending New Years with him and being afraid to even go "Happy New Year!" and sitting in a little corner. I believe October and November of 2008 were the best days of my life. That includes when M___ used to be in it too. Change, yeah, well I fucking hate change. I've decided that now. I need it, but I hate it. It's like air. Air might not be the most appropriate term since I hold no grudge against it, but you get the idea. I've changed a lot too. For the better I believe, and some for the worst. It's amazing how I grew out of boys being my biggest weakness and now I could never seem to have decided and mad decisions for myself, as well as moving on and leaving things behind me. Last year, I didn't even fathom why we used "than" instead of "then", but now, I believe I have grown too much to imagine. However, I'm still the huge potty mouth who uses way too much profanity and still wants to fit in. Yeah, that's the harsh reality. I remember when drugs were "cool", how I believed that I'd be surrounded by a sea of people. Instead of that, I was isolated, I couldn't enjoy my year. Aside from that, it brought me great depression. Reality seemed too far to grasp for me. I find I'm too quick to judge. I really like S__, she's nice. I can't understand why I hated her to begin with. The jealousy is growing pretty badly inside me. I was blinded by the green monster, and when I think about it, she should've been the one who hated me for still ... I prefer not to revisit the past. So today, I've decided to move on. I'm hungry, my thoughts don't seem to come to me as quick as it usually does. Speaking of venting and ranting, hot guys are gay, always gay. It's weird. The guys who work at American Apparel are really hot, but they're always gay. -sigh- I need new glasses, I despise my old ones and my eyes seem to be getting worse. SO, I will leave on an ending note of, MONIQUE, "funner" is not a valid term! LEARN IT! Or so help me god, I will give you a lecture on how it would NOT benefit you. So that is all, for now-I guess.


Sincerely,
Diane Ho