You died.

I don't know if it's just me that feels this way, but when a relationship ends for me, I feel like someone died. It's that type of pain. The type of pain that doesn't leave you easily. The type of pain that doesn't heal until time lets it. I found myself in tears when you got up to leave when the bell rang. I'm not sure why, but every time you walk away, I feel like I'm stabbed again - I can't breathe. I've ran out of things to say and things to remember. I've ran out of my memories of you. It's been four months, and I'm right where I started.

Just Friends

Why. are. you. suddenly. giving. me. attention? I remember the last time I heard your voice on the phone. You sat there breathing as I cried to you. You didn't hang up. You just listened. You felt sorry. You texted her and made her feel like shit. That was the first time I saw you stand up for me. Was it because you cared or because you felt the need to protect your other intentions? Gosh, I don't know what to say about you anymore. You're so obnoxious to me. It's not even funny. You hit me and mock me. Is that all you know how to do? FOR ONCE, I want you to look at me again and tell me you're sorry. I think all I really want is to know you're on my side again. When my girls turned against me, I could have cared less. Honestly. Because I knew I still had you, I held on for dear life. Then you left. Wow. I'm living off dying memories. Like when you came to my locker and would put your arm around me and squeeze my guts out but I loved it when you did. Or when you would creepishly creep up on me and hold my hand. Or how we would spend literally hours doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. I miss you. I think I miss you more than anything right now. I miss your reassuring smile. I miss your stupid dimples that I've always wanted to kiss but never got the chance to. I just wished we lasted long enough to prove them wrong. But what did you do? You proved them to be correct and left me looking stupid while you moved on to play around. You never cared, and in the end, that's what hurt. There is no story about you fighting for me. Just the fact that you left me. There is no great story about us. There's NOTHING to hold on to, and yet, I still do.

On the real,

You were the realest thing I ever felt. No doubt about it. And not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. I miss having you in my life. It’s not because I’m lonely. You’re just not in it anymore, and that blows. You are the one thing I can look back on, and always smile about. Maybe even tear up over. Even though you may have forgotten about me, there will always be a place for you on my mind, and in my heart.

It's been a while

since I've been genuinely happy around you. When you're around, I feel so much pain, and everything that happened in the past comes rushing back. You don't understand how I feel. I mean, when you're around, I'm always laughing and smiling, but to be honest, I'm smiling to let you know that I've been fine without you - to let you know I've been strong and you have not affected me. However, we all know that's far from the truth.

So I Remember

how you used to try so hard to get me to believe you. I think that's how I knew you cared. Now, it's just dead, and I don't know what to do.

I feel trapped.

So here I am,

4 months later, without you. I read my old posts about you. I honestly thought we could have made it through. We survived the shipwreck, but we just couldn't come back to shore together on the lifeboat. You threw me overboard. I didn't think we would ever turn out this way. You've moved on, but I'm still sitting here, still reminiscing, still living in yesterday. These memories keep me alive. Everyday, I'll remember a different memory of what we did together. Sometimes, I'll smile to myself, but usually, I cry. When you left, it was like someone died. It's actually worse than the pain of someone dying. You're still here, but what was going on between us is dead and long gone. That's the painful part. When a relationship ends, it's like death. It's the end of something, but knowing that person is still there and you have to watch them be happy with someone else is probably the worse part. I've been mourning us - kind of like how someone mourns someone's death. I'm not dealing very well. I count the days. I trusted you, B. I trusted you with all I had, and you continually let me down. You broke me down completely. I opened myself up to you, and you pushed me off the balcony and left me for dead.
So here I am, in the safe haven of my blogspot. My feelings will forever be kept from you.
I think the worst part is you don't know how I feel. You think I'm fine, you think I've moved on, but you can't be any more wrong. The pain has not numbed one bit these 4 months. Sometimes, I think I miss you more than I had. You've changed. You're not you. You're not the guy I fell for. You're trying so hard to please everyone. That's not you. Please don't change.

P.S. I miss you - just in case you didn't know.

I'm done being called stupid

They tell me I'm fucking up.

They tell me that you're bad for me,

and boy, trust me.

I know you are. I know it for a fact, but I can't

help but question "what if's" if I let you go.

I tried SO HARD to be able to walk away,

but you didn't let me. You tugged and pulled, and you won.

We fought for 3 days straight - both nights up until the AM.

The same issues, the same disapproval, but we found compromise

beneath all the rubble of what was left of our feelings.

It was good letting you know how much you hurt me because

I could tell you felt bad.

And you're making up for it.

And I can see it.

What doesn't break us only makes us stronger.

And when it comes to you and I, I find this to be so true.

I came through for you and didn't listen to people criticizing me,

telling me I'm fucking up.

I just hope you can do the same for me.

Or try not to hurt me, at the least bit.

Our conversations got more serious as we pushed past all the anger

we had toward one another of the accusations.

You never admitted your faults, but you never denied them.

And I'm pleased that you didn't deny them.

However, what hurt most was you putting the blame on me.

I never did anything.

You hurt me, and it was somehow.. my fault?

It didn't make sense.

I can tell you're sorry and you want to make it up,

but how?

You hurt me and lost my trust.

Even though my heart is still by your side, it's hanging by a thread.

So please don't ruin your last toll.

I would hate to lose you.